I read a recent article where the author says he trained himself to remember that "this is it". This is it. This is a good as it gets - that's another phrase I've always liked. Here, now, this is it and this is as good as it gets.
After so many years of wondering whether to leave or stay in my marriage, after so many years of trying to build a home together - both literally and figuratively - and then after so many months of finishing and selling the house, then all the moves... after all that, this is it.
I am separated, single, solo. I'm a little bit lonely in the love department, but then I have been for some while, so that's not a new thing I have to deal with. The beauty of our slow motion breakup is not having to suddenly get used to sleeping alone or missing romance.
There is no more trying to fix, no more what if. No more should I stay or should I go, no more what if the house doesn't sell? This is it.
No more blaming unhappiness on someone else; no more sense of helplessness. This is it - this is my life, my family and my future. No whining or complaining; no living in the future. This is it and I have to get on with life.
I realise the full extent of how much I have been holding myself back, waiting for something, distracted by my marriage. Now I no longer have that distraction, nor the attendant stress and unhappiness, I can spread my wings and fly.
It's not so much that my husband was holding me back, as I was holding myself back by putting a lot of energy into him and our marriage. Not that I was Miss Perfect and always trying to fix it. Sometimes the pure energy drain of being angry at him or feeling frustrated - especially the frustration - was enough to distract me from making better decisions. My brain was like a plant being overwhelmed by Morning Glory - an invasive weed that first climbs, then chokes and brings down any plant tall enough to climb.
I was preoccupied with my poor relationship - it filled most of my waking moments. Then I started distracting myself with late-night drinking or binge eating in front of the tv; whatever salved the wounds.
Solving my marriage took me away from work, my kids, myself. I had to review and reevaluate all my conceptions about love, marriage, myself, my husband. I had to figure out what I expected, what I wanted, what I deserve, and what I'd put up with. Who is responsible for this marriage and who can fix it? Having kids of course makes it all the more difficult - what is best for them? For me? For us? Am I irrevocably harming them or is a happier mother and a peaceful home worth it?
But now my actions are done, we are more or less settled into our new home and new lives. No more hoping for a different outcome, trying to change him or me, confusion, frustration or anger. From here the healing begins, the building of new lives and new habits, my independence. This is it.
