gliding

I can feel it - I am gliding into my new life. The easy downward slope has begun. It's time just to fade into the sunset of life; a lovely, gorgeous time of relaxed happiness.

In the course of this little adventure, I have learned to accept help. I have learned the importance of carving out time for myself, no matter what. The importance of living my life now.

I have learned that self-sufficiency is empowering, not scary. And possible.

Going nuts

I am getting antsy with the kids and me in his apartment. I know it's hard on everyone but I have no bedroom - no way to unplug. I feel trapped. A physical angst that pervades me right now. This physical closeness, no space to hang laundry, no support from X, who seems to have forgotten that he has children. He offers to take them every once in a while, but sees no need to cook for them, put them to bed, or do their laundry. He works, dines out and sometimes is here.

I know I am not being fair - I am ascribing intentions and motivations I have no way of possibly being privy to. I can't know what he's thinking and it's not my business anyway; the thoughts and intentions of others are outside of my control.

And so what if he is hiding out? He had his nice bachelor pad and we all moved in, with our baggage and our energy, our voices and our smells. He too is probably overwhelmed and exhausted.

I forgive him as I forgive myself. We are all part of the same humanity. One energy system links us all.

Counting days

Officially, it's thirteen days until we move in but they might leave a few days earlier. Which means... which means we can move in that much earlier! Yahoo. I cannot wait. I feel like a lottery winner. Who can believe I will live in that house? It's lovely. I've wanted that for years.

returning home

Went to visit family for a couple of weeks, and returned back yesterday. The girls were a little bit off at bedtime because we were home but not home.

Where is your home when home is no longer home, and your old home has become somebody else's home? The new home awaits but until then we are stateless.

funny

It's funny how much writing calms me down. In this time of so much upheaval and change, I get sometimes very worried about the future. What will I do? How will I survive? Will I be able to live the life I want?

It makes sense that I worry about my future - I am divorcing, moving (every three weeks), changing focus and approach in my work, trying to raise a family.

There's a lot of change. Many things in my life are unsure or new. It's natural for me to be aware of, and occasionally awed by my responsibilities, however I need to be careful that my natural concern doesn't grow into an anxiety attack.

When I catch myself heading down a thought path that is not useful, I remind myself about building a life I would love to look at. And I stop and ask myself, how do I want my life? How do I love to see myself? The answer's always the same - as a writer. I remind myself to go be a writer.

Because the answer to how do I get to be anything is to do it. Just do it. The details will take care of themselves.

~ ~ ~

I've learned to deal with the stuff of life - crazy stuff that happens and you just have to surrender and muddle through. Like divorce and the fire and min-reno, the bad townhouse and two-month gap between homes. It's all learning stuff and I'm glad I get to experience.

Boy I'll be glad when it's over.