Divorce as a spiritual quest

For two or three years before separating from my husband, I knew I was unhappy in the marriage but was not ready to make any decisions. I knew I was waiting until I felt strongly that we would stay together or separate, so I decided to put that time to good use.

I had been able to see clearly his faults and shortcomings, but had learned that I could not change him, so I decided to focus on me and my behaviour.

I thought that I would develop the best me I could. It wouldn’t hurt and may make staying together possible. I wasn’t ready at that point to shoulder any of the blame, but I did recognize that I was not yet perfect.

So I decided to grow. I read articles online, visited websites, reserved library books, listened to tapes, and even watched Dr Phil. I journalled, painted and explored. I cried and walked, swam and grew.

Somewhere along the way my reading path changed from relationships to self-help, then to introspection, then to philosophy and now spirituality.

I tried to save a foundering marriage and found my soul.

Managing my own money

Just got back from an update meeting with my banker. For the first time in ages I am managing my own money and it feels great.

It’s funny to notice how old-fashioned I had been in letting my husband make most of the financial decisions and actions. He is very good with money, and worked for the bank for ages, so was comfortable with the ins and outs of accounts and money management.

It’s not that I’m incapable or stupid, but what a lovely treat to give your money over to someone you trust implicitly (and who has personal investment in the outcomes), and just show up at the meetings, murmuring “you know best, honey.”

I had completely disempowered myself. I wanted nothing to do with money; hence money became scary because I had no idea of our assets and liabilities. When my husband told me we could or couldn’t afford something, I believed him.

While I earn considerably less that he does, for the first time since we moved in together, I feel financially empowered.

I know that I am good with money. Even as a student, I made my money grow by investing my student loans until and unless I absolutely needed the cash.

I look forward to once again handling my own money, to working with my banker until I understand the options and benefits, and even to making regular contributions to charity.

Money management - it’s a gift!

Alone time

“Once a mother, always a mother”, my mother used to tell me, meaning that parenthood allows little time off – even for good behaviour.

Having kids has allowed me to experience more joy and unconditional love than I ever could have imagined. But part of the price you pay is that there’s no time off. Nights, weekends, nights, nights, early mornings – you have to respond to their needs with love and competence.

One of the unintended benefits of separation has been that my kids stay over at their dad’s one night a week. This has given me a wonderful reward – time off being Mom.

I love my Saturday nights. Sometimes I go out but often prefer to stay home.

Sometimes I watch tv and eat chips. I get to sit on a clean sofa in a tidy room and watch what I want; no Hannah Montana or overloud laugh tracks.

Sometimes I work on my art, without being asked why I won’t let them paint on my canvas. If I choose to write I can finish a sentence and finish a thought.

I cook for myself, don’t have to remind them - for the ten-thousandth time - that the dishwasher works only when the dishes are actually in it. 

No bedtime struggles, no arguments over who gets the blue cup. No one asking where their yellow sock is or why I won’t let them have a cell phone. No telling the kids (for the ten-thousandth time!) to put their junk away.

In fact, I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to.

Lazing in a hot bath with a glass of wine and no interruptions is incredibly revitalizing after a busy week.

In the morning I sleep in, then linger over coffee and the Sunday New York Times. Eventually I get up and go for a run. Later, I'll head to the local pool, lounging in the hot tub without shivering kids exhorting me to go down the waterslide with them.

What luxury. Selfishness without any 'bad parent' guilt.

When the kids come back the next day, I am refreshed and recharged. I've had the chance to miss them a little and am ready to renew my commitment to being the best parent that I can be. And now I have the energy to do so.