House Selling

Well the house sold today. Actually it sold a week ago but of course these things take time and a few things had to be done before it was officially actually sold. Now it's sold and that's that.

I am not as happy as I expected. Of course there are a few things that can still jump up and bite me in the bum, but this is more about my expectation that I would be very happy and relieved. I guess there is still much to do; get a new place, organize the separation, increase my income, and trust in this path.

I do feel a little sad about leaving this house. We moved in so long ago, with high aspirations and hope for a familial future. The woman who raised two little kids here seems like someone else; a story I have heard so many times it feels familiar. I don't miss her - I don't miss being her. I am happy to get on with the next phase of life; but as always change brings uncertainty and anxiety.

So I am anxious, happy, and sad.

Romance and Reality

I painted my room today, preparing for Sunday’s open house. This evening as I was replacing the paintings and furnishings, I became wistful and thought how I would miss this room. I puttered around saying goodbye to my bedroom. My room is small, filled mostly by the bed. Cleaning or making the bed involves navigating small spaces and tight corners. By the time I was done, I was so aggravated that I lost all my romantic feelings about that room and remembered how much I want to move!

The open house is exposing myself and my life to strangers. Hm. Oh well, I really don’t have a problem with it. It’s not something I’d do for fun but since it’s necessary I can put up with it. Perspective.

And breathe. Yesterday I got out of my car while it was still running.

But I can connect with a part of me that is not scared at all, who sees the path and does not waver.

Broken Homes

I've done this in the past - in conversation with a single mom friend of mine, referred to her kids as growing up in a broken home.

My karma came for a visit when in conversation with my neighbor, I got to be the single mom whose kids are growing up in a broken home.

If You Knew How Little People Thought of You

There’s an old quotation from the famous advice columnist Ann Landers which has stuck with me for years: “If you knew how little people thought of you, you wouldn’t worry how little people think of you.”

At first it sounds negative but I see it as positive and freeing. People don’t think about you nearly as much as you think about you. We are so caught up in our own little lives, sure of our uniqueness and importance, that other people’s experiences barely register. We simply couldn’t care less.

That’s why new parents think theirs is the only child ever born, and why young women cough up thousands for wedding dresses that are all pretty much the same, while thinking theirs alone is special. Our natural blinders cut out all others, leading us to believe we are the only person who ever got married; got hurt by love or failed out of school. It’s all about us.

It’s wonderful how self-absorbed we all are. I’m not being sarcastic. I think it probably protects us from the awareness of how interlocked we are; that we are more Borg-like than we may care to acknowledge. 

But back to me…. ;)

As I tell people about my impending divorce, many, while sympathetic, are not very interested. I say this not out of self-pity but with an amused awareness.

My neighbors were devastated by my news. They told us they loved having us as neighbors. They were very sad to see us leave and if we had any gardening pots could they have them please?

A old family friend’s response to hearing my news was telling me about his bathroom reno.

I know, I know. You’re probably saying well maybe they didn’t know what to say. And sure, I’ve made my share of inappropriate jokes and ill-timed comments. I've been guilty of simply ignoring those to whom I didn’t know what to say.

I noticed myself being a little offended that others would just go about their daily lives in the face of my Really Important News. I realised I had expected certain ways of responding, and that other types of response were not acceptable to me. How dare my sister continue training for that half marathon when I Am Getting A Divorce? My friends were expected to check in daily, to offer support and sympathetic ears.

So becoming aware of that was educational. I learned I was expecting a free pass in relationships because – well because my problems were more important.

I actually take comfort in my life being just another wave on the ocean. Keeping my sense of self-importance in check reminds me that nothing is that important; that fifty years from now this will all be over and that in the global scheme of things it’s not a big deal. Look up into the stars - you'll never be overwhelmed by your own self-importance :)

Love and Drama

Like Elaine from Seinfeld, I hated The English Patient. I found it melodramatic and unlikely. I’ve always hated that “I love him/her but we can’t be together” nonsense, and that movie had it in spades. Same thing with “100 Years of Solitude”, although my experience of that book may have been exacerbated by the relationship I was in when I read it. I was casually dating a man who finally ‘confessed’ to me that he was actually in love with another woman; that he and I couldn't be together because he was meant to be with her. My connection to him was casual enough that it was no great loss. I did, however ask him why he would, a) waste my time; and b) not just be with her in the first place.

“It’s a love that can’t be”, he cried, (in my imagination sweeps one arm across his fevered brow ;)

“Why ever not?” asks practical me. “Is she married or in another part of the world?”

No. She was single, local and interested in him. There was no reason for them not to be together.

I told him to stop wasting my time and moved on. I did hear that they had eventually come together as a couple only to split up soon after.

I tell this story to illustrate my impatience with, and unwillingness to participate in, love drama.

To me, if you want to be with a person, be with them. If not, don’t. Drama has no place in relationships; I can’t abide it even in fiction.

Life gives us plenty of experience. Life gives us plenty of emotional fodder. And life gives us plenty of interpersonal experience. But none of this has to be Dramatic, unless we make it that way.

Years, ago, after leaving a man who was absent and took me for granted, I embarked upon a subsequent relationship that was Full! Of! Drama! Nightly tears, recriminations and make-ups. Affairs, violence and lies told me I was having a real relationship with a passionate man who felt life in every fiber of his being. As you can imagine, alcohol was very much involved ;)

He claimed that if I ever tried to break up with him he would kill himself or me. My twisted reaction was to think that no man had ever loved me so much!

One day I finally came to my senses, called off the arrangement and told him if he ever laid a hand on me again I would kill him. I meant it; and he obviously believed me because I never saw him again.

Now I know that not everyone can rid themselves of their abusive partners this way, nor do I recommend including abusive relationships in your life’s experience. But given that I have experienced it, what I did learn was that I gave my power away. I trusted that which I knew – had I listened to my instincts – was false and harmful, and I confused drama with love.

While I still enjoy those romantic comedies when the boy and girl get swept up in their emotions, I find that my favorites are more like When Harry Met Sally, than those of the instant-love or showing love through argument and hatred variations.

I know now that true love is healthy and kind; supportive and calm. Drama is for actors. My only regret is wishing I’d known this when I was a teenager!

Divorce to strengthen self-worth

Divorce is a good time to develop self-worth. It helps. Not only to support oneself through the soul-searching and identification of a new sense of self (as divorced, as a single parent, as the breadwinner), it helps to strengthen my sense of being able to succeed.

I am at a crossroads in my life, where I can choose to believe the gloom and doom prophecies – that there are no nice rental accommodations and no jobs; that single parenting is bad for the kids; and that this is all a big mistake – or I can decide to create my life in the manner I choose.

I do not believe that I am better or more worthy than anyone else. I am as worthy and as good as anyone else. So why do I think I deserve a nice home, good income, a loving family life? Simply because I want it and because I am asking for that.

Many people have far more abundance in their lives than they realize. I know because I was one of those people. I didn’t see all the wealth in forms other than cash money – I didn’t appreciate my good health, mobility and physical fitness, gifts from others, and constant arrival of abundance.

A good analogy is that I used to buy books online, wait excitedly for their arrival, read them, then have to find a place to store them for years after. Storage and maintenance and the occasional re-read.

Now I reserve books online from my local libraries. I excitedly await their arrival, read them and then return them ontime with no fine.

One activity is free, the other expensive. One includes a nice walk to the library and often discovery of other books as I browse the local branch. I usually stop at the corner store near the branch and buy myself a little bouquet of tulips. Total cost is still less than buying.

When I pay for the book – when I buy it – I get to keep it. It’s mine forever. I can reread it; I can display it; I can lend it.

When I borrow, I have it for a finite time and I can not claim ownership. I cannot align myself with that book, in the case, say of a prestigious or impressive title. And when I return it, I may never see it again.

Borrowing from the library is trusting in abundance. I know that I need only the content of the book. I accept free things, something quite difficult for many of us, and I trust that I can find it again if necessary. It’s a kind of catch-and-release program, where I have enough trust in the infinite abundance of life that I don’t need to hang on to a thing. I also trust that I will find another and another great book, each time I visit.

I don’t need to cling. If life is a flowing river, then I am content to enjoy the passing of water under the bridge. Not trusting in abundance would lead me to want to catch the water, in case it stopped coming.

Self-esteem is a matter of trust. I may be funny-looking, socially awkward and goofy, but that’s the way I am and I need to trust that I am this way for a reason. I may not know the reason, but I trust that this is good.

           

I am seeing that trust has led me to the truth of what I am good at, where to gain income, and how to live my life. I know that I am divorcing not because I am a b*tch, but because I need to live my life in a certain way. My ex, wonderful guy that he is, is negative, faithless and discouraged. And seems to be committed to unhappiness.

I’m not being sarcastic when I call him a wonderful guy. He truly is. And I would kill for his creativity and charm. But his curse is not being able to see the abundance surrounding him, intertwining through his life.

He sees life as half empty, and probably poisoned, whereas I wish to see life as a joyous exuberance. I learned that I could not change him – in fact he does not want to change; seems happy in his misery – and I saw that we need to live apart.

I could not have come to that realisation without self-esteem. In our pain we labeled and disempowered each other. His favorite name for me was b*tch: pushy, aggressive, bossy, domineering b*tch.

And I started to believe those words. I became what I believed I was. I grew into that container, much as a bonsai plant takes on the shape decreed by its owner.

I had looked up to him for so long, and had so little sense of self-worth, that I automatically assumed his words were correct.

As I looked into what was and wasn’t true for me, I learned that I was not a b*tch; that I am not all the bad things he said.

Which isn’t to say that I’m not a strong, assertive woman. I can be b*tchy at times, and don’t mess with me when it comes to my kids. (Mother bears could take assertiveness training from me ;)

I started to like myself again, to see my value and how I contribute. I relaxed, learned to trust my intuitions, and developed faith. (No particular faith, just a general trust in life and in being on my own perfect path.)

And I opened my eyes and my heart to the abundance around me. It pours in – first bringing things to me, then bringing the people who want the things I am done with. It brings me a life filled with love; people, pets and things just smearing love all over my life. The universe wants me to succeed, to be happy, to have a nice life.

And so I know that I will sell this house in the time it’s supposed to take, get the money I am meant to, find the home that’s best for us, and earn income by my contributions. Faith and self-esteem feed on each other.

I wrote all this on a dark and stormy morning. If I can find joy and inspiration on a day like this, imagine how I’ll feel tomorrow, when the sun comes out and spring is everywhere. 

Guilt and Validation

I seem to need to constantly validate my choices and motivations. I need to reassure myself that I am making the right choices. It's raw and it's sore. I know that all will be well but right now my anxiety level is through the roof. I trust my intuition. It is stressful, this path.

I occasionally realise the boulder i have started rolling down the hill. What have i set in action? Yikes. This is some scary sh*t.

But I also know that right things will appear as I encounter a need. Breathe...  

Divorce Diet

I am living on coffee - up to three cups a day; protein - eggs, ham, bacon, steak, cheese, yogurt, nuts, chorizo, granola; and sugars - fruit, candy, chocolate, ice cream, juice, cake. Drinking lots of water and half-water-half-juice.

Finishing the Marriage

Finishing the house so we can sell it. I'm thinking, "it looks great. Why couldn't we have done this three years ago? It's one week of work." But the reason we couldn't do this three years ago is the reason we need to do this now. The weaknesses in our relationship are illustrated in our inability to complete the renovation to our house.

Saying it out Loud

I felt disembodied when I said it: "I need a divorce. I can't live this way any longer." I was floating above myself; a stranger to my own experience.