Unfurling

I feel like a flower who is opening after a long winter spent furled in fear and self-defense. As I run I can feel myself opening up, stretching out finding my new feet. I physically feel like I have been asleep, curled up in a ball, unconscious to the world.

And now I am opening and it feels strange at first, like walking on land after being on a boat for some while. I stumble a bit, rediscovering my legs, my equilibrium thrown off, although it feels wonderfully balanced. That once I get my legs, I will find myself more grounded than ever before. Grounded and balanced like a statue, fully supported by my sturdy base and strong armature, I am now able to reach out to life and do more, because I have so much trust in life and myself. 

Lightening up

Today I noticed that my frown line is receding. It's a deeply-etched crevice between my eyebrows; the result of years of carrying a slight frown on my face. Since separating and despite the unknowns and new beginnings, it's getting smaller.

I also notice that I am developing wrinkles on my cheeks - what are they from? I had to laugh when I realised that what caused those new lines is smiling and laughter.

I know - I deeply deeply know, that this separation is the best thing I could have done. Yes it was difficult, scary, stressful, but looking back at who I was a year ago makes me sure that I have done the best thing. My ex, although a wonderful guy, has such a different approach to life and happiness that I know we never would have been happy together.

I love to live in the moment - although I am not always successful - feeling and being and trusting life to provide what is needed. I don't need to know all the answers or be right or be the smartest. I am happy to live in ambiguity and creativity. I believe my highest purpose is to spread love.

More and more people I know have died or had major health scares, which causes not fear in me, but acts as a reminder to enjoy every moment, to be satisfied with here and now. It may not be ideal and I can certainly work to improve my situation, but I am happy now.

My ex seemed to have very different ideals - a more wait and see approach; an attitude of I'll be happy when, and the glass is half-empty. He seemed to have lost the ability to take joy in just being - in those cliched little moments. He seemed to want to bring himself back down to earth with financial fears and realities, crime and antitheism, and negative expectations.

Just to have removed that influence from my daily life has lightened my environment. And it doesn't mean I'm irresponsible or pollyana-ish - merely that my days are filled with more joy and laughter than ever before. I have created space for joy. Because that's what I really wanted.

Waiting

For the first time in possibly my entire life I do not feel like I am waiting.

I had always assumed I would marry and have kids. I waited to find a guy - the right guy. Then I waited for him to ask me to marry him. After marriage, I waited to have kids. I got pregnant and looked forward to the birth. Then I waited to have another, got pregnant again and looked forward to that birth.

Caring for babies and little kids is hard work, so I waited for them to be able to feed themselves, to get out of diapers, talk, to walk, to grow up a bit and go to school.

I waited for them to be able to walk themselves to and from school. Then I waited for them to come home.

I waited to go back to work, to find work I liked. I waited to restart my life, reconnect with old friends, get my figure back.

I waited for my husband to  spend more time with me, with us, with the kids. I waited for our marriage to get better. I waited to be happy.

I waited to sell our house, to move, to get settled. Now I am waiting no longer and it feels great.

There is an expanded post on waiting and happiness at Esperanza Spiritulata.

Symbology

I got my bed cut down. It's a foam bed, and may I say a wonderful thing. Yay, Foam Shop. I am spoiled for any other bed. It has actually affected my desire to travel because no other bed is as good - I never sleep as well as I do on my own bed.

But it was a king size; perfect for the two of us when we shared it. Now I find king too big for one person, and since my room is small, I can use the extra space. (18"x81"= according to my calculations that's 121 square feet extra in my room. Well it feels like a lot ;)

So I folded up my mattress and hauled it off to the foam shop. Got a smaller base made and had the mattress cut down. Took myself to winner's and got a new queen-sized sheet. Another great winner's deal; 650 thread-count sheet set for sixty bucks. Could my sheets be too smooth?

I was laying in my newly queen-sized bed feeling like a queen and had to laugh at the symbolism of it all: the king is gone, now the master bedroom holds a queen; a Queen is the Master. Cute. And really really comfortable.