Letting go

You know it’s interesting how easy letting go is. And how freeing.

I noticed recently that I have been judging my ex and his behaviour regarding the children. Here’s my issue: I think that he is used to his default setting being free and that he is starting to fit the kids in when he is available, not making them a priority and arranging his life around them. My judgment is that he is not acting as I would have him act.

In the old days, the pattern would be that I would notice this, decide it’s no good, silently observe and judge him, then get riled up enough to want to speak out. I’d approach him, he’d feel defensive (gee, I wonder why) and we’d end up in a he-said/she-said argument. He might even get frustrated and feel attacked enough to want to go on the offensive and disparage me and my actions.

Anger, defensiveness, personal attacks, bitterness – the hallmarks of poor relationship. No wonder these conversations didn’t work.

It’s all so clear in retrospect. And now, with enough physical and emotional space between us, I have a better perspective.

There is a freedom that comes from no longer trying to mesh our styles. I can allow him to be him, and stop trying to turn him into my version of what he should be.

I am able to know that my understanding of things may not be universal Truth. What looks to me like apathy or laziness may be actually lack of time, depression, or simply that he is comfortable with the amount of time he spends with his kids. I can be compassionate enough to try to see things from his point of view, and respect his choices.

Because of our separation I can see him clearer, and see the good he brings into our lives – mine and especially the kids’. He gives them experiences that they wouldn’t get from me. He has opened them to worlds I know very little about. I can value his input and give thanks for his energy and curiosity.

But – and this is the funnest part – I don’t need to approve his actions or agree with his choices. I don’t get a say. It’s his business – not within my domain or sphere of influence. It’s not my business; it doesn’t matter what I think. I get to drop it.

Just like when I watch clouds pass by overhead – I don’t preoccupy myself with my opinion of the clouds and whether or not I want them around. My liking or not liking those clouds means nothing. They just are. “Oh look, clouds are passing by”.

I handle judgments of my ex in the same way. I notice the judgment, investigate it, say hm, and drop it. It’s not my department. When I was a waitress we had a saying: not my section. This meant a particular table was not my responsibility and would be taken care of by someone else. This is the same situation – the actions of my ex are not my section, and my judgments of him are not his section. I notice the thought and let it pass.

Now I say to myself, “oh look, I’m judging the ex”, and move on to other things. So freeing.

Healing

I am healing my heart. I can feel it – in my dreams, my actions and my thoughts.

I dream about happy love, about meeting someone and liking them without giving myself away or becoming helpless. Years ago, in my dreams and reality, I thought had to get the guy to like me. Now I am more likely to hesitate and see potential flaws. This tells me I am not ready to fall in love. Although I would love to!

I am sick of making the same mistake; of being involved with the same kind of guy again and again. This time I’d rather be a little lonely than have an unsatisfying lonely relationship.

I do not trust my judgment - what feels familiar is now suspect.

In love we search for our parents – what attracts us to others is similarity to our parents (the way our caregivers were when we were little). I was seeking to replace my remote father or authoritarian mother, and so was attracted to distant, individualistic, blocked creatives who liked to drink a lot.

I used to believe that sexual attraction led me to the right guy. And maybe it does – according to my beliefs it should, because I believe the body knows more than the mind. But so far it’s not been reliable.

Or has it? My previous relationships have been important aspects of my life, all of which led me here. I love my life, I love who I am and what I do. So were those previous relationships wrong? I don’t think so. Nor did they fail.

I don’t believe that ending a romantic association means the failure of that relationship. Sometimes it’s a natural evolution.

Even if those past relationships were exactly what they should have been, now I want my reward relationship – a graduation gift for surviving, learning from, and overcoming the obstacles created by my ego and lack of awareness.

I want a loving healthy mutual joyous relationship. I’ve done the hard work, now is time to play!

So now is the time to learn to trust myself; to take new friendships slowly, trust but don’t overexpose, and live my highest priorities as I engage with others.

I now approach romance the way I buy clothes – only those that fit perfectly and  enhance me in some way. I don’t look for clothes to cover my flaws or create what isn’t there; their function is to allow me to be the best, most joyous me I can be.