I think less often about my marriage or my husband. I'm not so busy trying to fix him so the mental energy goes into other pursuits. I have less to gripe about, the bumpy part is done for now and we're just establishing new and separate lives.
It's a little sad, similar to when the dog died last year. It was inevitable; we all knew it was coming, but nonetheless it was quite sad at the time. I feel sad now - my ex is a lovely guy; we had a lot of good times and good memories. But our breakup was inevitable - of course it was; it happened - and it's time for our paths to diverge.
I thought I had mourned this marriage several years ago, as I began to understand the ramifications of how I felt. I mourned the marriage, the hope, the good times, the being new parents together, the holiday meals and watching our family grow up together. At the time I thought I had got it all out: I cried so much that my garbage can constantly overflowed with tissues.
So it takes me by surprise to admit the depth of sadness I feel today. It's not a hopeless Nobody will ever love me lack of love feeling. It's the same sweet sadness I felt when the dog died. His death allowed us a retrospective of our lives with him and how he opened our hearts.
It's the same with my marriage. It opened my heart and I had a lot of important life experiences during that time. I grew up, I learned a ton, I had defining moments.
I do miss him. I miss being married. I miss making a nest with someone. I miss loving someone so much that we talk and talk. I miss shared sexuality. I miss embracing someone. I miss light-heartedness, optimism and hope. While I am fully clear on why we split, I choose to retain the positive memories of love and hope.
And so I give thanks for the experience and gently lay my marriage to rest with a smile on my lips and a tear in my eye.
