As I embark on my new life, I begin to see a new horizon. I begin to see how I have been holding myself back and how much. The power I have, the freedom. And now I have to use it.
To smash up my life and build it anew is a trip. It's so much fun. It's scary and sad, scary and thrilling. Scary. Busy, time-consuming, energy sucking, relationship rebuilding. It's truth-in-the-mirror time.
But the growth and insight - oh the spiritual growth. What I wrote twenty-five years ago holds true: "Contentment is the enemy of experience."
I've stood before myself, admitted to my crimes; to my weaknesses, lazinesses, lies and mistruths. I've admitted to all of my excuses, blusters and redirects. (I'm still working on projection - I don't always notice them and rarely catch myself doing it. But it's a new awareness; it will strengthen with practice.)
I think I have finally found the reason of my existence! This journey, for me, is about love. I've read that holds true for most people - that the journey is about love.
I had a lovely, love-filled Saturday for no particular reason. Maybe it was my previous evening's dinner with an old friend. I have watched this man transform from a brash frat boy to a wisening father. Once a golden young man, he is now transforming himself to an elder. He carries sadness as he branches out, but I think he is beginning to enjoy his new sense of himself. As we visited, I listened to him, possibly for the first time. Until then it's always been me waiting for him to stop so I could speak impressively. Friday night I saw his humanity. I felt love for an old friend.
Saturday was just as dreamy. At taekwondo class I felt the love of the master for what he does. I felt his love for the students, especially the gaggle of over-energized young men from the competition team. Their enthusiastic laziness, so typical of teenagehood, amuses me. They are goodhearted guys whose mamas are probably proud of them.
Later that afternoon, dropping my daughter off at a slumber party, I recognized the love of each family as they dropped off their kids. We're all different but we all love. And we love to be loved.
Later that afternoon, dropping my daughter off at a slumber party, I recognized the love of each family as they dropped off their kids. We're all different but we all love. And we love to be loved.
