New Horizons and other cliches

As I embark on my new life, I begin to see a new horizon. I begin to see how I have been holding myself back and how much. The power I have, the freedom. And now I have to use it. 

To smash up my life and build it anew is a trip. It's so much fun. It's scary and sad, scary and thrilling. Scary. Busy, time-consuming, energy sucking, relationship rebuilding. It's truth-in-the-mirror time. 

But the growth and insight - oh the spiritual growth. What I wrote twenty-five years ago holds true: "Contentment is the enemy of experience."

I've stood before myself, admitted to my crimes; to my weaknesses, lazinesses, lies and mistruths. I've admitted to all of my excuses, blusters and redirects. (I'm still working on projection - I don't always notice them and rarely catch myself doing it. But it's a new awareness; it will strengthen with practice.)   

I think I have finally found the reason of my existence! This journey, for me, is about love. I've read that holds true for most people - that the journey is about love. 

I had a lovely, love-filled Saturday for no particular reason. Maybe it was my previous evening's dinner with an old friend. I have watched this man transform from a brash frat boy to a wisening father. Once a golden young man, he is now transforming himself to an elder. He carries sadness as he branches out, but I think he is beginning to enjoy his new sense of himself. As we visited, I listened to him, possibly for the first time. Until then it's always been me waiting for him to stop so I could speak impressively. Friday night I saw his humanity. I felt love for an old friend.

Saturday was just as dreamy. At taekwondo class I felt the love of the master for what he does. I felt his love for the students, especially the gaggle of over-energized young men from the competition team. Their enthusiastic laziness, so typical of teenagehood, amuses me. They are goodhearted guys whose mamas are probably proud of them.

Later that afternoon, dropping my daughter off at a slumber party, I recognized the love of each family as they dropped off their kids. We're all different but we all love. And we love to be loved. 

Attack

I have terrible fears of being attacked in my house. By a stranger - a man who breaks in. Most of the fantasies are me trying to find an escape.

I hate when these fantasies pop into my head because I am loathe to entertain them or to grant them energy. They're scary and violent; not something I want to manifest even if only in my head. But these fantasies feel so important and are so insistent that I need to hear them out. I need to know if they hold a message and if so, what it is.

In an effort to resolve this, I decided to write about the fantasies. Doing so makes me nervous. I am terrified of manifesting violence towards myself.

Remembering that irrational fears often are signposts to unresolved issues within the personality or spirit, I wonder what within me so terrifies me.

-\\=|||=//-

a life you love to look at

My sister sent me the words,

Eyes are about seeing your own life, so if your eyes are irritated perhaps you r irritated with what's currently in your life? Louise Hay's new thought pattern is "I now create a life I love to look at." I like that, it has such a peaceful, hopeful feel to it.

I love Louise Hay; her beauty and insight. What a lovely thought. And how wise.

I now create a life I love to look at is becoming a mantra for me; it resonates. I am guiding my life with this as a tool.

I am developing the habit of periodically checking and asking myself, Am I creating a life I love to look at? Sometimes the answer is that I am off-course, and that I need to change direction slightly, or drastically as the situation demands. And I make the adjustment, and I sail off again in the right direction. The more frequently I do this, the smaller the necessary alteration.

-:|:-

I'm sniffing all the neighborhood roses now. Some of the scents are amazing!

sleeping on the floor

...and loving it!

So the townhouse didn't work out. And my ex let us stay with him for the remainder of our wait for the permanent place. A friend lent me an inflatable mattress. I was set.

Unfortunately those mattresses are best enjoyed for a day or two; they're not for long-term use. Their structure and composition mean that the very part of my body which requires the most support receives the least, so my back's been talking to me. Nothing serious; just letting me know...

Last night I tried sleeping on a foam pad - the kind you take camping - on the floor. I awoke rested and energized. I didn't toss and turn, trying to get comfortable. My back is happy!

What's the lesson from this? Simple: often the simple solution is best. Occam's razor.

It's also a reminder to appreciate simple things; a good night's sleep, waking up happy. I learn that all those things I thought I needed - a firm king-size bed, designer lamp, heck even a private bedroom - are superfluous, so long as I have a firm floor and a home full of people I love.

coffee is a blessing

I am so blessed. It's early morning, no one else is awake - except the rabid soccer fans I just saw driving through the neighborhood, holding their flags out the window and honking ever so quietly.

So no sane people are awake.

I deflate my bed - am sleeping on an inflatable mattress these days. And plan to for the next six weeks as we camp out at the ex's, waiting for our new place. As I fold my beddings, I reflect on my poor back and what six weeks of inflatable mattress sleeping will do to it.

But now I am cosied up on the couch, drinking my morning coffee, listening to the sounds of a city waking up. A few cars, a couple in conversation walk by. Birds call to each other, baby birds yell for food. Somewhere a train rumbles.

I live in one of the world's most expensive cities. My health is great, my family is well, and our hypothetically not-nocturnal gerbil didn't wake me up. What more can I ask for?

I am blessed.

This time at the ex's has given me the chance to see him in his natural habitat. It's a chance for me to learn not to judge him. It's a chance to accept him.

As I begin loosening my grip; not trying to control everything, I have more time for myself. More time to write, more time to relax. I see that life continues even for those who don't wash their bedsheets every Saturday... that I can skip a day of hairwashing and life actually goes on as normal.

I am seeing new ways to live. New importances. New joys. I begin to really get the nuances of life. A year ago, I was pissed at my neighbors for parking in front of my house. (I know)

Now I am developing new focusses. A sense of me as a person; not as a mother, teacher or homeowner - all exterior designations. I'm pretty quiet, no one important, not someone who is greeted by maitre d's or invited to openings. (Well I am but I never go ;)

My life is small. Humble and unimportant. Yet as I write that, I know that my life is important to me. I may not impress others but I like my life and am glad I chose it. It's such a relief to give up the need for recognition; perversely, doing so allows me to excel.

smelly miraculous abundance

Today I went for a long walk. As I wandered through neighborhoods I noticed lots of roses blooming in profusion along fences and over trellises. That makes sense - it's June. I've only recently come to appreciate roses, though, so being aware of them is new to me.

I was photographing a big yellow beauty at one house when the owner came out. We got to talking as she told me about the various breeds she cultivates. She had me smell one older variety - what an incredible odor! (In a good way ;)

I guess her neighbor heard me and came out with a clipped rose, offering it to me.

What abundance! What gifts! I held the beautiful scented big pink rose until the heat from my hand wilted it. I scattered the petals as I walked, throwing them up into the air, sending blessings of abundance to the world.  

nice surprises and lovingkindness

The ex holds no religious or spiritual beliefs; in fact is an avowed atheist (which I guess is a religious belief). I'm the one seeking, learning reading. If i were a joiner, I'd call myself a Buddhist.

Funnily enough, it's he who is exhibiting lovingkindness (a Buddhist ideal). Me and the kids moved into a townhouse for two months, as our new rental home is not available until August. The townhouse is awful - mouldy and damp.

Two lessons here: one, that I should listen to my gut, because I had a strongly negative emotional and physical response the first time I saw the place, but talked myself into renting it; and two, that he who claims to be an atheist may still exhibit lovingkindness.

Because he is letting us stay with him for most of the rest of the two months. We're a little crammed, and it's definitely affected his new bachelor lifestyle, yet he invited us in; even offered me his bed. The downside is that now I can't be mean, mad and bitchy at him. :)

Best Possible Outcome

We find a really cool way to have an amazing relationship.

I don't believe that divorce necessarily means hate and anger. I think it can be a way to reconfigure a relationship as opposed to just abandoning it.

Banking

Sat at the bank for two hours today, setting up accounts, deleting joint accounts, reinvesting proceeds from the house sale. More than two hours; much of it airless.

Our accounts manager is a forty year old child. He's a man-child, gamer, fast on the keyboard. My ex needs to tell everyone that he used to work for that bank. Interesting. I already reached the point of being sick of my own stories, now I am sick of my ex's.

Seems the more we move our money around, the less of it we have. It's all paper to me anyway. None of it seems real. I do notice that I am calmer around money than I used to be. I have total faith that I can and will - and do - support my family in a lovely and spoiled manner. More than faith, I know. I feel it.