I am so blessed. It's early morning, no one else is awake - except the rabid soccer fans I just saw driving through the neighborhood, holding their flags out the window and honking ever so quietly.
So no sane people are awake.
I deflate my bed - am sleeping on an inflatable mattress these days. And plan to for the next six weeks as we camp out at the ex's, waiting for our new place. As I fold my beddings, I reflect on my poor back and what six weeks of inflatable mattress sleeping will do to it.
But now I am cosied up on the couch, drinking my morning coffee, listening to the sounds of a city waking up. A few cars, a couple in conversation walk by. Birds call to each other, baby birds yell for food. Somewhere a train rumbles.
I live in one of the world's most expensive cities. My health is great, my family is well, and our hypothetically not-nocturnal gerbil didn't wake me up. What more can I ask for?
I am blessed.
This time at the ex's has given me the chance to see him in his natural habitat. It's a chance for me to learn not to judge him. It's a chance to accept him.
As I begin loosening my grip; not trying to control everything, I have more time for myself. More time to write, more time to relax. I see that life continues even for those who don't wash their bedsheets every Saturday... that I can skip a day of hairwashing and life actually goes on as normal.
I am seeing new ways to live. New importances. New joys. I begin to really get the nuances of life. A year ago, I was pissed at my neighbors for parking in front of my house. (I know)
Now I am developing new focusses. A sense of me as a person; not as a mother, teacher or homeowner - all exterior designations. I'm pretty quiet, no one important, not someone who is greeted by maitre d's or invited to openings. (Well I am but I never go ;)
My life is small. Humble and unimportant. Yet as I write that, I know that my life is important to me. I may not impress others but I like my life and am glad I chose it. It's such a relief to give up the need for recognition; perversely, doing so allows me to excel.
