I spent about seven years investigating ways to make my marriage successful. I looked at how to change him, to change myself, to alter our dynamic. I worried, cried, and journalled. I read, watched and listened to all manner of psychology, self-help, advice and spirituality. I listened to psychics, therapists and talk-show hosts. I found meaning in others’ opinions of us as a couple. I had my tarot read, and learned to meditate. I went to church. I took up yoga. I know my chakras.
I’m pretty sure I tried everything. Nowadays I rarely read relationship advice, opinions or news that is new to me. I am as familiar with Family Systems theory as I am with Jungian analysis and downward facing dog. I am acquainted with psychic diagnosis and intuitive healing. I have felt physical movement unblock emotions. I have meditated, prayed and dreamt.
All this activity and acquisition of the opinions of others (my definition of education) gave me confidence. A lot of this material is self-evident, for example: while happiness is always within your control, some relationships make it harder to be happy. Seems obvious, no?
Some of the ideas became self-evident only after someone pointed them out to me – for example, you cannot change another person, so you must deal with your own thoughts and actions. Or how about this, from Ann Landers: if you knew how little people thought of you, you wouldn’t worry how little people think of you. It’s one of my favorites. To me it means that we are all so caught up in our own story that others are but a passing blip. Put another way, no one thinks you more important than themself.
I have discovered the freedom of giving up attachment to the good opinions of others. I clarified my values and found my moral and spiritual center. I know what I am good at, what’s important to me and how I work.
Seven years, first trying to get sweetie to see his wrongness and change. Moving from unspecified feelings of discontent to disappointment, through anger to education, I was on a roller coaster ride of emotion, physicality and learning.
Once I graduated from How can I fix him? to What changes do I want to make in my own life?, life got easier. I wasn’t always at peace – often far from it – but I at least focused my efforts on myself. Trying to change another is like trying to stop the wind; just not possible. A person may choose to change based on input received from you, but you’ll never change someone; only they can do the changing.
As mentioned, I absorbed every bit of advice I could find, including tv hosts. To quote Doctor Phil, “you have to earn your way out of a relationship”. What does that mean?
I take it to mean that if things are not good, you don’t get to walk away throwing your hands in the air saying well I tried. No, just as when you leave a job or apartment, you have to give notice and stay in that job or home until the appointed time. Relationships are like that, especially if you have children. It should be really hard to walk away.
What if you entered any new relationship with the knowledge that if you want to end the relationship, before you can leave there is a certain amount of time you would have to put into making it work, say 30% of the time you have already been together. If you’ve been together a year, then you have to spend four months trying to fix yourself and see if that positively affects the relationship. If, after four months of true effort, you see no improvement in the relationship, then it’s time to move on.
Embarrassed as I am to admit it, I agree with Dr. Phil. ;)
What earning my way out of my relationship did for me was to give me the confidence that I am doing the right thing, not just for me but for my kids, and even my ex, although his life is his business, not mine.
It also gave me the knowledge that I have tried everything. I don’t worry that I didn’t try hard enough or look at all the options. I will never look back and regret my actions. I put enough time in to fixing this relationship, spending more years in it than I may have wished, but at least I can always say I didn’t leave prematurely. For the kids, I gave it my best shot, all I could. It was only when it became apparent that I would lose my health if I stayed, that I knew it was time to go. I will always be able to look my kids straight in the eye and tell them I made the best choices for me and them.
Earning my way out my relationship gave me the chance to grow, mature and soften. I became aware that us not working as a married partnership is not his fault (yes it is ;) I see our relationship not as failed but as changing. We have to live apart in order to have a successful relationship.
We are great co-parents, good friends, and will always be family. He’s a good guy; funny articulate and smart. His creativity inspires me. Like a magician, he develops something wonderful out of thin air. He’s a very good cook, has taught me how to cook and opened my eyes to wonderful cuisines I didn’t know existed. He’s introduced me to food styles at restaurants where I would have had no idea what to order.
So basically he’s a good guy. Earning my way out of our relationship allows me to see his wonderfulness, and appreciate him as a person. Because I don’t have to hold on to anger or blame as a way to shore up my sense of guilt, and because I don’t need the extra boost of energy to make me brave enough to walk away from a more secure lifestyle, I can step out in freedom and clarity.
Earning my way out of my marriage has given me peace.
