Today I was washing the car and in a meditative frame of mind. I noticed myself becoming anxious when I washed the hubcaps. What’s this about I asked myself.
I’m afraid of touching the tires in case I pop them. I worry about having a flat tire. I worry about that out of proportion to all the other things I worry about.
I also have asthma. I’m afraid of running out of air.
I used to scuba dive but am anxious being underwater. I remember past deaths, and one of them, yes, included drowning. I remember stopping struggling and how relaxing that was. I let myself be peaceful. And drowning’s not bad, and dying’s not bad.
I felt the same giving up of the struggle when my first child was born. Labour was non-productive and became problematic. I passed out – completely out. I don’t think I was necessarily unconscious, but I was definitely in a different consciousness.
Running out of air is something I at once fear and seek. I say that I seek it because I think about it so much. Obsession means connection or lack of resolution. Even though I am thinking about it as something I hope doesn’t happen, I am directing energy toward it and thus will cause it to happen. Probably in a bid to prove to myself that I can handle it if does happen. It attracts and repels me.
There’s also the symbolism of air. In my life it stands for abundance – and how I always trust that there will be another breath to breathe. This is a lesson I can use right now. I can incorporate a sense of trust in the abundance and joy of life. If I think about it too critically, I can convince myself otherwise, but I know that’s not true. I know the world is an abundant loving place, but I’m in the habit of not thinking so. Now is the time to reprogram that habit.
