I can feel it slipping away from me – this sense of who I am. In a good way, I am shedding my identity. I cast off my stories, my grudges, my history. There is no more me from the past, no potential future me. I am here, now, safe and sound. That’s all I have. Here and now.
I keep asking myself what am I feeling right now? Not emotionally – physically. Name the sensory inputs I am receiving; how I am holding myself, where there is tension and relaxation. What do I smell, hear, touch? I scan my body, and that’s what calms me down.
I recently became aware of how much I held on to my stories, experiences, and expectations. I was mad at someone not only from when they did something wrong, but two hundred times over, as I relived it in my diary and for my friends. I held onto that sense of outrage as it propelled me toward separation and divorce. Ultimately the power of that outrage gave me the energy to be where I am now, so in one way it’s a good thing, but I also recognized the need to let it go now.
And just be simple me.
We’re having a bunch of technical issues, most fairly minor but seeming overwhelming at the time. We’ve had fire flood and, well never any famine here, but we’ve definitely had fire and flood. The house alarm is short-circuiting and a very old leak decided to reawaken after laying dormant our entire residency. In fact we knew nothing of the damage to the pipe and the leak it caused.
Communications are glitchy and a gig my S2BX (soon to be ex) thought he had seems to be slipping away. Weird things are happening to my teaching career.
A lot of change is happening at once, and in the past week was accompanied by all these weird little setbacks. I’m not sure what the messaging is here, but it helped me disconnect. My anxiety level was already high because of the divorce, the move, the selling of the house, lack of money etc. Then mechanical problems started happening and I panicked. Then they kept happening and realised I couldn’t panic at every event, and disconnected from their outcomes. What’s the worst that could happen? The house sale would fall through. Then we’d deal with that. Do I want the house sale to fall through? No, but now I see I kind of did – a part of me wanted to find love again in the arms of S2BX. Or at least some guarantees.
I realised the only guarantee life with him holds is the promise of more of the same. And I don’t want that. I don’t have be angry; I just need to be clear. And I am clear – I do not wish a romantic relationship with him. I do not wish to live with him. He’s a great guy – greater the less I see him.
So I’m clear I want to leave, sell the house and live without him. I’ve done due-diligence with myself and confirmed. Being clear that I will leave means no need to worry about technical issues. Whatever happens I still get to divorce him. So the worst that can happen will be big financial headaches, or some other problem that eventually gets ironed out. Or not.
Regardless, this is my life, slipping away from me. I cannot waste a moment worrying about events I have no ownership in. No matter what happens in this life, we die. Life is like one giant Ikea ball room and when you’re done, you’re out, so you might as well make the most of it. I could sit pouting in the corner, but I could also choose to have a ball.
I have spent a lifetime being chastised by those who decided I was not taking life seriously, and that I needed to get better grades or make more money or buy government bonds or get married and take fatty acids supplements or eat/drink/have/drive/buy/cook more/less/fewer meat/alcohol/dairy/exercise/coffee/pot/protein-before-breakfast/sex/ dresses. I’ve had it! I’m done. This is my personal manifesto to myself. Self, I promise to honor you, obey you and do what’s best for you. I alone know what is right for me, and I alone govern my actions. God and the universe have directed me to be the way I am; to be otherwise is ungodly. Worse, it’s impractical.
AND I BELIEVE THAT THE UNIVERSE WILL SUPPORT ME.
My job is to write, and so long as I write, life will always support me. The other stuff is just stuff. Little aggravations and distractions are to be managed, and can possibly contain helpful messages. They are part of the warmer-colder game of life. As I get off-track, I receive ‘colder’ messages; as I realign, the message is ‘warmer’. The context of the annoyance can be meaningful, but don’t get too caught up in that parlour game of guess the meaning. If it’s not immediately obvious, something will come along to make it so. Have patience. If I don’t know the message, I just use the warning of being off-track to take time to check in with myself, which I do through writing, yoga, meditation. Or I walk or workout, read or soak. My body often knows better than my brain, and if I allow it, it will tell me. My body leads me through the day, and I follow its natural rhythms.
Knowing my gift, my work and my priorities makes it simple to keep my energy on the right things.
I have moments when I stop and smile and realise I get to live without him soon. And I can’t believe it, like a lottery winner I keep wondering if it’s actually true. So part of these tech issues may be me not accepting that I actually do get to leave, and that I will be fine on my own. Know when you’re scared to dream of that thing because you want it so badly and if it comes true your mind will blow? Well this is one of those things.
