In an instant I can move from my lovely warm house to poverty and devastation. My body’s in this house but my mind’s in a dark cold place.
I resolve to live in the minute.
I still live in a nice house and it’s a gorgeous spring day, the kind that makes you forgive a long dark winter, but I’m not here. I’ve fast-forwarded to the future, where I am poor, cold and damp. For good measure, I throw my ex into the fantasy. He’s living it up, sending his clothes out for laundering and enjoying the spectacular view from his funky apartment. He’s bringing a string of beauties through the door including one he’s known for years. They are giddy at finally being together after all the time he had to spend with ‘the witch’ (that’s me).
As I write this negative fantasy, my reflection frowns back at me from my monitor. I look saggy, wrinkly and harsh.
I must live in the present.
Why would I do this – fast forward to a negative future? Why would I be so mean to myself when I can be loving and supportive to others? I tell my friend she is a vibrant intelligent woman. Almost the same age as me, she is amazing and attractive – definitely a catch. Why am I old and dried up?
I am fit, funny, loving, intelligent, hard-working and creative, so why do I assume I will fail? Why do I see only a minimum-wage future, subsistence living? Why do I naturally assume the ex will live it up? Why would he have a great lifestyle and I be poor?
The sun shines on every street. I love plants and flowers, sitting in the sun. Reading and writing make me happy. I have friends and family who support me and guide me. My needs are fairly simple and available anywhere, so why would I do this to myself? What right do I have to be so mean to myself?
Most mornings lately, I wake up this way. After a few hours I can muster my optimism, but this fear seems a natural state; I seem to return to it each night. I don’t remember much of my dreams, but those I do seem not too negative. What’s my brain doing?
And why, in the face of such support, am I so fearful? Why can’t I tell myself the same things I believe about others? Do I need to retrain my subconscious?
