I have a tendency to go from 0 to 60 in seconds. I express anxiety through worry. When I hear a squeak from downstairs, I instantly go to the worst that it could be. Is it a murderer, marauding mice, a water leak?
And since as we think, so we experience, I have then already experienced all those horrors in less that two seconds - whether or not they turn out true, they've already turned out true for me.
I'm torturing myself. Literally. I am putting myself through terrible experiences just so I won't be let down by life.
But this is too hard on me. I can feel the subtle signals of stress. My throat is tight, my stomach frequently upset. My back hurts in various places (no surprise; see what Louise Hay says about back pain) and I'm sleeping less deeply.
When I stop, question my thoughts and think about my present moment, I see that I am fine. My anxiety comes from wondering will I be ok as I move forward in my new life. I don't have a regular predictable source of income, but I do have enough money in the bank for at least a couple of years. I've never lived alone with children, nor have I supported myself financially in a long time.
All this is new. I am outside my comfort zone and hoping I made the right choices. I did not realize just how much I had been giving my power away to my husband, and to just about anyone for that matter.
I am learning to trust the supportive universe, but it's baby steps for me. One small setback and I want to cry, or give up, or feel sorry for myself. A moment of that, then I take a big breath, pick myself up and move on.
And I have to provide my own under-responsiveness. I have re-trained myself to stop and question panic thoughts. Yes, it may be so, I tell myself. But what is the most likely - the simplest - explanation? If everything was ok and on track, what would the source of that noise be?
It's a magic habit. That plus allowing myself to feel panicky - the way we encourage our kids to do something we know they can but they don't yet know they can. We say of course you're scared - it wouldn't be normal not to be, but I know you can do it.
That's how I talk to myself now - gently, supportively, calmly. Nice. And guess what? That's how I treat my kids now too.
