New Views

Well, I'm moved in to the interim house - 2 months until our good house is available. I've moved. the old house is but a dream. already it is gone from my mind. i have no connection to it.

But maybe i have just cut off my feelings to survive. i am terrified and i am alone. i felt really scared in this new place, although i am already beginning to get used to it. i can feel the vibrations of the place. it's nice, although the upstairs neighbors are noisy. something i'll have to get used to - not being able to, or trying, to control my external environment.

Getting Along

It's been two weeks since he moved out. His move was fairly sudden, without a lot of warning. He had said he would begin to move his things, then transition to his new place. It all went down on a Saturday. Several of his friends and his parents showed up, commenced a flurry of activity, and he never slept here again. My eldest daughter sat outside reading; I assume to escape the upheaval inside. One thing about the S2BX (soon to be ex) is that when he does something it takes over the entire room or house. When he packed, boxes, tape and screwdrivers covered every surface of our home. He doesn't think about minimizing the effect on others - I truly think it doesn't cross his mind that others are affected.

So when he moved, he forgot to let the kids get involved; he didn't seem to think that it may affect them. He forgot to tell us that it was going to be a day of disruption.

It's like he can't operate in a different mode that involves the kids. I've seen this again and again, that when he wants to get something done, he can't manage it to allow the kids to help, which is of course what kids want to do.

But his move is done now, and already we get along better. The simple details of daily life, mood and relationship are no longer issues we have to contend with, and already I've found the friendship I used to feel for him.

My birthday was last week and we all went out for sushi. It was a lovely evening; he gave me a hug bouquet of flowers and gift card for a massage at the local day spa. We enjoyed our dinner then wandered over to his new place for a visit. Leaving him to walk home with the girls, I felt a pang of sadness. Sweet undefined sadness. I didn't want to think about it too much. I know why we separated, and am pretty sure we will never reconvene, but I also know what I like about him, and that I love him. We had to get divorced to save the relationship!

Upholding

I experienced a huge relaxation the other day - lazing in a hot bath, my jaw, throat and neck muscles relaxed, perhaps for the first time. I was shocked at how much they loosened, and realised how tightly I have been holding myself - literally holding myself up by the throat.

It's as if I have not trusted my back and abdominal muscles to do the job. I have been pulling myself upright and forward by the neck. I'm surprised I could speak. Or breathe.

DON’T FREAK OUT

I keep reminding myself that millions of other people face much worse problems than me; that their stresses are way more difficult to solve than mine. But still, I’m freaking out. Last night I dreamt that the S2BX (soon to be ex) had already met someone and asked her for a date. In my dream I was outraged. I was upset, jealous, envious and fearful of never experiencing the same. I was less jealous romantically than I was about being the first to date.

Part of me will be embittered when he starts to date again, and it’s not my business. It’s exactly what I wanted – separation, divorce and separate lives except for the children. But I don’t want to get divorced – not in theory anyway. I want to have a partner, someone to love and thrive with. A guy who is golden and wonderful, full of love and able to access his heart. I love to be married, but I couldn’t stay in this one. In marriage you have to take the good with the bad, but this was a lonely marriage, and I saw no hope for improvement. He just isn’t there, emotionally, and often physically. I felt rejected over and over again. While he is a wonderful and interesting person, the tipping point came when the bad outweighed the good, and I had to leave to preserve my own mental and emotional wellbeing.

But last night I tossed and turned, waking at 5am and trying for hours to get back to sleep. Sleep wasn’t much better because I had those horrible dreams that included a pipe leaking into the toilet in my new temporary digs, the S2BX dating a young chef, me poor and unhappy.

Last night was Negative Night – I saw all, and only, the downside of starting my life as a single woman, mother of two. Who am I to think that I will be financially secure, emotionally healthy and able to pay my rent? Where the hell am I going to get money? Is it worse to get alimony and feel still his dependant, or not and be poor? What if I can’t pay the rent on my lovely new house? What if the temporary place has cockroaches or home-invaders? What if this pain in my breast turns out to be breast cancer, or the pain in my chest is heart problems? What if my thighs get more cellulite? Are my lips always so pursed? What if the kids need braces or university tuition, or become troubled and hang out in malls?