Divorce as a spiritual quest

For two or three years before separating from my husband, I knew I was unhappy in the marriage but was not ready to make any decisions. I knew I was waiting until I felt strongly that we would stay together or separate, so I decided to put that time to good use.

I had been able to see clearly his faults and shortcomings, but had learned that I could not change him, so I decided to focus on me and my behaviour.

I thought that I would develop the best me I could. It wouldn’t hurt and may make staying together possible. I wasn’t ready at that point to shoulder any of the blame, but I did recognize that I was not yet perfect.

So I decided to grow. I read articles online, visited websites, reserved library books, listened to tapes, and even watched Dr Phil. I journalled, painted and explored. I cried and walked, swam and grew.

Somewhere along the way my reading path changed from relationships to self-help, then to introspection, then to philosophy and now spirituality.

I tried to save a foundering marriage and found my soul.

Managing my own money

Just got back from an update meeting with my banker. For the first time in ages I am managing my own money and it feels great.

It’s funny to notice how old-fashioned I had been in letting my husband make most of the financial decisions and actions. He is very good with money, and worked for the bank for ages, so was comfortable with the ins and outs of accounts and money management.

It’s not that I’m incapable or stupid, but what a lovely treat to give your money over to someone you trust implicitly (and who has personal investment in the outcomes), and just show up at the meetings, murmuring “you know best, honey.”

I had completely disempowered myself. I wanted nothing to do with money; hence money became scary because I had no idea of our assets and liabilities. When my husband told me we could or couldn’t afford something, I believed him.

While I earn considerably less that he does, for the first time since we moved in together, I feel financially empowered.

I know that I am good with money. Even as a student, I made my money grow by investing my student loans until and unless I absolutely needed the cash.

I look forward to once again handling my own money, to working with my banker until I understand the options and benefits, and even to making regular contributions to charity.

Money management - it’s a gift!

Alone time

“Once a mother, always a mother”, my mother used to tell me, meaning that parenthood allows little time off – even for good behaviour.

Having kids has allowed me to experience more joy and unconditional love than I ever could have imagined. But part of the price you pay is that there’s no time off. Nights, weekends, nights, nights, early mornings – you have to respond to their needs with love and competence.

One of the unintended benefits of separation has been that my kids stay over at their dad’s one night a week. This has given me a wonderful reward – time off being Mom.

I love my Saturday nights. Sometimes I go out but often prefer to stay home.

Sometimes I watch tv and eat chips. I get to sit on a clean sofa in a tidy room and watch what I want; no Hannah Montana or overloud laugh tracks.

Sometimes I work on my art, without being asked why I won’t let them paint on my canvas. If I choose to write I can finish a sentence and finish a thought.

I cook for myself, don’t have to remind them - for the ten-thousandth time - that the dishwasher works only when the dishes are actually in it. 

No bedtime struggles, no arguments over who gets the blue cup. No one asking where their yellow sock is or why I won’t let them have a cell phone. No telling the kids (for the ten-thousandth time!) to put their junk away.

In fact, I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to.

Lazing in a hot bath with a glass of wine and no interruptions is incredibly revitalizing after a busy week.

In the morning I sleep in, then linger over coffee and the Sunday New York Times. Eventually I get up and go for a run. Later, I'll head to the local pool, lounging in the hot tub without shivering kids exhorting me to go down the waterslide with them.

What luxury. Selfishness without any 'bad parent' guilt.

When the kids come back the next day, I am refreshed and recharged. I've had the chance to miss them a little and am ready to renew my commitment to being the best parent that I can be. And now I have the energy to do so.

Letting go

You know it’s interesting how easy letting go is. And how freeing.

I noticed recently that I have been judging my ex and his behaviour regarding the children. Here’s my issue: I think that he is used to his default setting being free and that he is starting to fit the kids in when he is available, not making them a priority and arranging his life around them. My judgment is that he is not acting as I would have him act.

In the old days, the pattern would be that I would notice this, decide it’s no good, silently observe and judge him, then get riled up enough to want to speak out. I’d approach him, he’d feel defensive (gee, I wonder why) and we’d end up in a he-said/she-said argument. He might even get frustrated and feel attacked enough to want to go on the offensive and disparage me and my actions.

Anger, defensiveness, personal attacks, bitterness – the hallmarks of poor relationship. No wonder these conversations didn’t work.

It’s all so clear in retrospect. And now, with enough physical and emotional space between us, I have a better perspective.

There is a freedom that comes from no longer trying to mesh our styles. I can allow him to be him, and stop trying to turn him into my version of what he should be.

I am able to know that my understanding of things may not be universal Truth. What looks to me like apathy or laziness may be actually lack of time, depression, or simply that he is comfortable with the amount of time he spends with his kids. I can be compassionate enough to try to see things from his point of view, and respect his choices.

Because of our separation I can see him clearer, and see the good he brings into our lives – mine and especially the kids’. He gives them experiences that they wouldn’t get from me. He has opened them to worlds I know very little about. I can value his input and give thanks for his energy and curiosity.

But – and this is the funnest part – I don’t need to approve his actions or agree with his choices. I don’t get a say. It’s his business – not within my domain or sphere of influence. It’s not my business; it doesn’t matter what I think. I get to drop it.

Just like when I watch clouds pass by overhead – I don’t preoccupy myself with my opinion of the clouds and whether or not I want them around. My liking or not liking those clouds means nothing. They just are. “Oh look, clouds are passing by”.

I handle judgments of my ex in the same way. I notice the judgment, investigate it, say hm, and drop it. It’s not my department. When I was a waitress we had a saying: not my section. This meant a particular table was not my responsibility and would be taken care of by someone else. This is the same situation – the actions of my ex are not my section, and my judgments of him are not his section. I notice the thought and let it pass.

Now I say to myself, “oh look, I’m judging the ex”, and move on to other things. So freeing.

Healing

I am healing my heart. I can feel it – in my dreams, my actions and my thoughts.

I dream about happy love, about meeting someone and liking them without giving myself away or becoming helpless. Years ago, in my dreams and reality, I thought had to get the guy to like me. Now I am more likely to hesitate and see potential flaws. This tells me I am not ready to fall in love. Although I would love to!

I am sick of making the same mistake; of being involved with the same kind of guy again and again. This time I’d rather be a little lonely than have an unsatisfying lonely relationship.

I do not trust my judgment - what feels familiar is now suspect.

In love we search for our parents – what attracts us to others is similarity to our parents (the way our caregivers were when we were little). I was seeking to replace my remote father or authoritarian mother, and so was attracted to distant, individualistic, blocked creatives who liked to drink a lot.

I used to believe that sexual attraction led me to the right guy. And maybe it does – according to my beliefs it should, because I believe the body knows more than the mind. But so far it’s not been reliable.

Or has it? My previous relationships have been important aspects of my life, all of which led me here. I love my life, I love who I am and what I do. So were those previous relationships wrong? I don’t think so. Nor did they fail.

I don’t believe that ending a romantic association means the failure of that relationship. Sometimes it’s a natural evolution.

Even if those past relationships were exactly what they should have been, now I want my reward relationship – a graduation gift for surviving, learning from, and overcoming the obstacles created by my ego and lack of awareness.

I want a loving healthy mutual joyous relationship. I’ve done the hard work, now is time to play!

So now is the time to learn to trust myself; to take new friendships slowly, trust but don’t overexpose, and live my highest priorities as I engage with others.

I now approach romance the way I buy clothes – only those that fit perfectly and  enhance me in some way. I don’t look for clothes to cover my flaws or create what isn’t there; their function is to allow me to be the best, most joyous me I can be.

Unfurling

I feel like a flower who is opening after a long winter spent furled in fear and self-defense. As I run I can feel myself opening up, stretching out finding my new feet. I physically feel like I have been asleep, curled up in a ball, unconscious to the world.

And now I am opening and it feels strange at first, like walking on land after being on a boat for some while. I stumble a bit, rediscovering my legs, my equilibrium thrown off, although it feels wonderfully balanced. That once I get my legs, I will find myself more grounded than ever before. Grounded and balanced like a statue, fully supported by my sturdy base and strong armature, I am now able to reach out to life and do more, because I have so much trust in life and myself. 

Lightening up

Today I noticed that my frown line is receding. It's a deeply-etched crevice between my eyebrows; the result of years of carrying a slight frown on my face. Since separating and despite the unknowns and new beginnings, it's getting smaller.

I also notice that I am developing wrinkles on my cheeks - what are they from? I had to laugh when I realised that what caused those new lines is smiling and laughter.

I know - I deeply deeply know, that this separation is the best thing I could have done. Yes it was difficult, scary, stressful, but looking back at who I was a year ago makes me sure that I have done the best thing. My ex, although a wonderful guy, has such a different approach to life and happiness that I know we never would have been happy together.

I love to live in the moment - although I am not always successful - feeling and being and trusting life to provide what is needed. I don't need to know all the answers or be right or be the smartest. I am happy to live in ambiguity and creativity. I believe my highest purpose is to spread love.

More and more people I know have died or had major health scares, which causes not fear in me, but acts as a reminder to enjoy every moment, to be satisfied with here and now. It may not be ideal and I can certainly work to improve my situation, but I am happy now.

My ex seemed to have very different ideals - a more wait and see approach; an attitude of I'll be happy when, and the glass is half-empty. He seemed to have lost the ability to take joy in just being - in those cliched little moments. He seemed to want to bring himself back down to earth with financial fears and realities, crime and antitheism, and negative expectations.

Just to have removed that influence from my daily life has lightened my environment. And it doesn't mean I'm irresponsible or pollyana-ish - merely that my days are filled with more joy and laughter than ever before. I have created space for joy. Because that's what I really wanted.