You know it’s interesting how easy letting go is. And how freeing.
I noticed recently that I have been judging my ex and his behaviour regarding the children. Here’s my issue: I think that he is used to his default setting being free and that he is starting to fit the kids in when he is available, not making them a priority and arranging his life around them. My judgment is that he is not acting as I would have him act.
In the old days, the pattern would be that I would notice this, decide it’s no good, silently observe and judge him, then get riled up enough to want to speak out. I’d approach him, he’d feel defensive (gee, I wonder why) and we’d end up in a he-said/she-said argument. He might even get frustrated and feel attacked enough to want to go on the offensive and disparage me and my actions.
Anger, defensiveness, personal attacks, bitterness – the hallmarks of poor relationship. No wonder these conversations didn’t work.
It’s all so clear in retrospect. And now, with enough physical and emotional space between us, I have a better perspective.
There is a freedom that comes from no longer trying to mesh our styles. I can allow him to be him, and stop trying to turn him into my version of what he should be.
I am able to know that my understanding of things may not be universal Truth. What looks to me like apathy or laziness may be actually lack of time, depression, or simply that he is comfortable with the amount of time he spends with his kids. I can be compassionate enough to try to see things from his point of view, and respect his choices.
Because of our separation I can see him clearer, and see the good he brings into our lives – mine and especially the kids’. He gives them experiences that they wouldn’t get from me. He has opened them to worlds I know very little about. I can value his input and give thanks for his energy and curiosity.
But – and this is the funnest part – I don’t need to approve his actions or agree with his choices. I don’t get a say. It’s his business – not within my domain or sphere of influence. It’s not my business; it doesn’t matter what I think. I get to drop it.
Just like when I watch clouds pass by overhead – I don’t preoccupy myself with my opinion of the clouds and whether or not I want them around. My liking or not liking those clouds means nothing. They just are. “Oh look, clouds are passing by”.
I handle judgments of my ex in the same way. I notice the judgment, investigate it, say hm, and drop it. It’s not my department. When I was a waitress we had a saying: not my section. This meant a particular table was not my responsibility and would be taken care of by someone else. This is the same situation – the actions of my ex are not my section, and my judgments of him are not his section. I notice the thought and let it pass.
Now I say to myself, “oh look, I’m judging the ex”, and move on to other things. So freeing.
