I am healing my heart. I can feel it – in my dreams, my actions and my thoughts.
I dream about happy love, about meeting someone and liking them without giving myself away or becoming helpless. Years ago, in my dreams and reality, I thought had to get the guy to like me. Now I am more likely to hesitate and see potential flaws. This tells me I am not ready to fall in love. Although I would love to!
I am sick of making the same mistake; of being involved with the same kind of guy again and again. This time I’d rather be a little lonely than have an unsatisfying lonely relationship.
I do not trust my judgment - what feels familiar is now suspect.
In love we search for our parents – what attracts us to others is similarity to our parents (the way our caregivers were when we were little). I was seeking to replace my remote father or authoritarian mother, and so was attracted to distant, individualistic, blocked creatives who liked to drink a lot.
I used to believe that sexual attraction led me to the right guy. And maybe it does – according to my beliefs it should, because I believe the body knows more than the mind. But so far it’s not been reliable.
Or has it? My previous relationships have been important aspects of my life, all of which led me here. I love my life, I love who I am and what I do. So were those previous relationships wrong? I don’t think so. Nor did they fail.
I don’t believe that ending a romantic association means the failure of that relationship. Sometimes it’s a natural evolution.
Even if those past relationships were exactly what they should have been, now I want my reward relationship – a graduation gift for surviving, learning from, and overcoming the obstacles created by my ego and lack of awareness.
I want a loving healthy mutual joyous relationship. I’ve done the hard work, now is time to play!
So now is the time to learn to trust myself; to take new friendships slowly, trust but don’t overexpose, and live my highest priorities as I engage with others.
I now approach romance the way I buy clothes – only those that fit perfectly and enhance me in some way. I don’t look for clothes to cover my flaws or create what isn’t there; their function is to allow me to be the best, most joyous me I can be.
