I keep reminding myself that millions of other people face much worse problems than me; that their stresses are way more difficult to solve than mine. But still, I’m freaking out. Last night I dreamt that the S2BX (soon to be ex) had already met someone and asked her for a date. In my dream I was outraged. I was upset, jealous, envious and fearful of never experiencing the same. I was less jealous romantically than I was about being the first to date.
Part of me will be embittered when he starts to date again, and it’s not my business. It’s exactly what I wanted – separation, divorce and separate lives except for the children. But I don’t want to get divorced – not in theory anyway. I want to have a partner, someone to love and thrive with. A guy who is golden and wonderful, full of love and able to access his heart. I love to be married, but I couldn’t stay in this one. In marriage you have to take the good with the bad, but this was a lonely marriage, and I saw no hope for improvement. He just isn’t there, emotionally, and often physically. I felt rejected over and over again. While he is a wonderful and interesting person, the tipping point came when the bad outweighed the good, and I had to leave to preserve my own mental and emotional wellbeing.
But last night I tossed and turned, waking at 5am and trying for hours to get back to sleep. Sleep wasn’t much better because I had those horrible dreams that included a pipe leaking into the toilet in my new temporary digs, the S2BX dating a young chef, me poor and unhappy.
Last night was Negative Night – I saw all, and only, the downside of starting my life as a single woman, mother of two. Who am I to think that I will be financially secure, emotionally healthy and able to pay my rent? Where the hell am I going to get money? Is it worse to get alimony and feel still his dependant, or not and be poor? What if I can’t pay the rent on my lovely new house? What if the temporary place has cockroaches or home-invaders? What if this pain in my breast turns out to be breast cancer, or the pain in my chest is heart problems? What if my thighs get more cellulite? Are my lips always so pursed? What if the kids need braces or university tuition, or become troubled and hang out in malls?
