Like Elaine from Seinfeld, I hated The English Patient. I found it melodramatic and unlikely. I’ve always hated that “I love him/her but we can’t be together” nonsense, and that movie had it in spades. Same thing with “100 Years of Solitude”, although my experience of that book may have been exacerbated by the relationship I was in when I read it. I was casually dating a man who finally ‘confessed’ to me that he was actually in love with another woman; that he and I couldn't be together because he was meant to be with her. My connection to him was casual enough that it was no great loss. I did, however ask him why he would, a) waste my time; and b) not just be with her in the first place.
“It’s a love that can’t be”, he cried, (in my imagination sweeps one arm across his fevered brow ;)
“Why ever not?” asks practical me. “Is she married or in another part of the world?”
No. She was single, local and interested in him. There was no reason for them not to be together.
I told him to stop wasting my time and moved on. I did hear that they had eventually come together as a couple only to split up soon after.
I tell this story to illustrate my impatience with, and unwillingness to participate in, love drama.
To me, if you want to be with a person, be with them. If not, don’t. Drama has no place in relationships; I can’t abide it even in fiction.
Life gives us plenty of experience. Life gives us plenty of emotional fodder. And life gives us plenty of interpersonal experience. But none of this has to be Dramatic, unless we make it that way.
Years, ago, after leaving a man who was absent and took me for granted, I embarked upon a subsequent relationship that was Full! Of! Drama! Nightly tears, recriminations and make-ups. Affairs, violence and lies told me I was having a real relationship with a passionate man who felt life in every fiber of his being. As you can imagine, alcohol was very much involved ;)
He claimed that if I ever tried to break up with him he would kill himself or me. My twisted reaction was to think that no man had ever loved me so much!
One day I finally came to my senses, called off the arrangement and told him if he ever laid a hand on me again I would kill him. I meant it; and he obviously believed me because I never saw him again.
Now I know that not everyone can rid themselves of their abusive partners this way, nor do I recommend including abusive relationships in your life’s experience. But given that I have experienced it, what I did learn was that I gave my power away. I trusted that which I knew – had I listened to my instincts – was false and harmful, and I confused drama with love.
While I still enjoy those romantic comedies when the boy and girl get swept up in their emotions, I find that my favorites are more like When Harry Met Sally, than those of the instant-love or showing love through argument and hatred variations.
I know now that true love is healthy and kind; supportive and calm. Drama is for actors. My only regret is wishing I’d known this when I was a teenager!
