Divorce is a good time to develop self-worth. It helps. Not only to support oneself through the soul-searching and identification of a new sense of self (as divorced, as a single parent, as the breadwinner), it helps to strengthen my sense of being able to succeed.
I am at a crossroads in my life, where I can choose to believe the gloom and doom prophecies – that there are no nice rental accommodations and no jobs; that single parenting is bad for the kids; and that this is all a big mistake – or I can decide to create my life in the manner I choose.
I do not believe that I am better or more worthy than anyone else. I am as worthy and as good as anyone else. So why do I think I deserve a nice home, good income, a loving family life? Simply because I want it and because I am asking for that.
Many people have far more abundance in their lives than they realize. I know because I was one of those people. I didn’t see all the wealth in forms other than cash money – I didn’t appreciate my good health, mobility and physical fitness, gifts from others, and constant arrival of abundance.
A good analogy is that I used to buy books online, wait excitedly for their arrival, read them, then have to find a place to store them for years after. Storage and maintenance and the occasional re-read.
Now I reserve books online from my local libraries. I excitedly await their arrival, read them and then return them ontime with no fine.
One activity is free, the other expensive. One includes a nice walk to the library and often discovery of other books as I browse the local branch. I usually stop at the corner store near the branch and buy myself a little bouquet of tulips. Total cost is still less than buying.
When I pay for the book – when I buy it – I get to keep it. It’s mine forever. I can reread it; I can display it; I can lend it.
When I borrow, I have it for a finite time and I can not claim ownership. I cannot align myself with that book, in the case, say of a prestigious or impressive title. And when I return it, I may never see it again.
Borrowing from the library is trusting in abundance. I know that I need only the content of the book. I accept free things, something quite difficult for many of us, and I trust that I can find it again if necessary. It’s a kind of catch-and-release program, where I have enough trust in the infinite abundance of life that I don’t need to hang on to a thing. I also trust that I will find another and another great book, each time I visit.
I don’t need to cling. If life is a flowing river, then I am content to enjoy the passing of water under the bridge. Not trusting in abundance would lead me to want to catch the water, in case it stopped coming.
Self-esteem is a matter of trust. I may be funny-looking, socially awkward and goofy, but that’s the way I am and I need to trust that I am this way for a reason. I may not know the reason, but I trust that this is good.
I am seeing that trust has led me to the truth of what I am good at, where to gain income, and how to live my life. I know that I am divorcing not because I am a b*tch, but because I need to live my life in a certain way. My ex, wonderful guy that he is, is negative, faithless and discouraged. And seems to be committed to unhappiness.
I’m not being sarcastic when I call him a wonderful guy. He truly is. And I would kill for his creativity and charm. But his curse is not being able to see the abundance surrounding him, intertwining through his life.
He sees life as half empty, and probably poisoned, whereas I wish to see life as a joyous exuberance. I learned that I could not change him – in fact he does not want to change; seems happy in his misery – and I saw that we need to live apart.
I could not have come to that realisation without self-esteem. In our pain we labeled and disempowered each other. His favorite name for me was b*tch: pushy, aggressive, bossy, domineering b*tch.
And I started to believe those words. I became what I believed I was. I grew into that container, much as a bonsai plant takes on the shape decreed by its owner.
I had looked up to him for so long, and had so little sense of self-worth, that I automatically assumed his words were correct.
As I looked into what was and wasn’t true for me, I learned that I was not a b*tch; that I am not all the bad things he said.
Which isn’t to say that I’m not a strong, assertive woman. I can be b*tchy at times, and don’t mess with me when it comes to my kids. (Mother bears could take assertiveness training from me ;)
I started to like myself again, to see my value and how I contribute. I relaxed, learned to trust my intuitions, and developed faith. (No particular faith, just a general trust in life and in being on my own perfect path.)
And I opened my eyes and my heart to the abundance around me. It pours in – first bringing things to me, then bringing the people who want the things I am done with. It brings me a life filled with love; people, pets and things just smearing love all over my life. The universe wants me to succeed, to be happy, to have a nice life.
And so I know that I will sell this house in the time it’s supposed to take, get the money I am meant to, find the home that’s best for us, and earn income by my contributions. Faith and self-esteem feed on each other.
I wrote all this on a dark and stormy morning. If I can find joy and inspiration on a day like this, imagine how I’ll feel tomorrow, when the sun comes out and spring is everywhere.
