Friday
At last. It sucks but at last we are telling the truth. We told the kids. I felt weirdly detached watching my kids’ lives change with a sentence. So cruel and I felt nothing. Empty.
For me it’s been years in the making. No surprise; only that I finally had the balls to tell the truth. I don’t love you anymore and don’t see that I ever will. I love him in a fraternal way, but cannot live with him or have a romantic relationship.
The poor kids of course, were blindsided. Fresh from school, excited about having seen the Olympic torch relay. They burst in the door, new red mittens in hand, only to have their bubbles burst.
I thought they knew. I thought they clued in on some level that we have been unhappy for years. A while ago it was lots of yelling, then silence, now apathy. Is it worse to stay together with someone you no longer love; live a lie for the sake of the children, or to live the pain of divorce?
They have lived in this house all their lives. They know nothing else.
Tuesday
I am happy that we are all admitting the truth. Lying to myself and others made me weak and feel old. I had so much anger, mostly because I was not being true to myself. I was weak, reliant on others. Now I know I have to be strong and I feel strong. I feel relieved and I feel free.
I notice that Michael now carries himself like his father does. He seems to be recreating his father’s life – he has decided that, like his father, he will never again be able to find work.
Talk about low self-esteem: he has quit tae kwon do in part due to their low standards; he says his success there is due to what must obviously be very low standards.
I notice how he refuses success and abundance, choosing instead to belief in fear and loss. I remember him never cashing bonus checks, or gift cards; that he never accepted gifts from me and the kids.
Saturday
I feel so relieved. I have been pretending to my kids for years; pretending that we’re a normal family, pretending that I love their daddy, pretending that I am happy. Not having to pretend lightens me. I notice I have been laughing a lot. I am again becoming my lighthearted happy self. For years I felt like I was dragging him along – trying to get him to be positive; not such a Debbie Downer.
We had a great life but he refused to see it as such. If something good happened, well then bad stuff was just around the corner. If something bad happened, then it would probably get worse.
Wednesday
Met with the realtor yesterday. He suggested a selling price which was higher than I expected. Of course the only number that counts is what I walk away with. There is much to do – ironically if it had been done previously, I might be less anxious to sell. That’s not true, I know. Still though, the realtor can get Michael to do it, I never did. I am anxious – woke up at 5am. Dozed, or actually waited til 6, then got up and got a coffee. I may rent a storage unit for all our old papers and camping gear.
Again after the realtor meeting, I went with the girls and helped Janie clean out her white counter cupboard. She did a good job, considering. Then I made dinner. Princess (that's what I call him in my mind sometimes) took a nap and surfed a while. Having decided to divorce, when he does stuff like that I just remind myself that he’s validating my decision to divorce. He seems to be worried about himself not the kids. Again, I am validated.
I think I have lost a little weight already. I notice he has. One blessing I have is never looking back and thinking if only I’d tried a little harder, or he’s a nice guy; we should have been able to make this work. It’s a relief to admit I really don’t like him. I still believe he was my soulmate, but now our paths diverge. Soulmate does not necessarily equal forever. Now I am my own soulmate.
